A Flicker of Hope

My period is late.

I’m long past self-censorship here, and this fact is crucial to the story. So there you go.

Of course, I’m not totally surprised. It was only last month that we had our second failed IVF cycle. Add to that some other stress from various sources, a planned trip away and a couple of new medications, and there are plenty of potential reasons for a late period, even for someone who usually runs like clockwork.

I packed a box of tampons when we went away last week, fully expecting to need them. I didn’t think too much about it, still perfectly happy to indulge in a variety of German beers. The tampons stayed, resolutely unopened, on the bathroom counter until it was time to pack them back in my bag for our return journey.

By then, I was a whole week late.

And it also occurred to me that I wasn’t even late following our miscarriage earlier this year. That was when the tiniest ember of hope began to glow somewhere inside me.

So this morning, at eight days late, I peed on the left over stick out of the two-pack from our failed cycle.

I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t expecting anything. The chances of us conceiving on our own are so infinitesimally tiny that they are practically non-existent. I know that. But even so, I could feel my heart beginning to thump in my chest with an excited anticipation as I returned to the bathroom to check the result after waiting out the requisite three minutes.

It was negative. Of course.

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A while ago, near to the beginning of this journey, I remember wondering to myself how women – and couples – did this over and over again. How they coped with failure after failure. Negative after negative. Period after period. Month after agonising month.

I’m almost two years in to this now, in the very position that I used to ponder. I still don’t know the answer though.

I think the closest, most honest one, ultimately, is that they don’t. We don’t.

It still breaks my heart, every time.

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2 Replies to “A Flicker of Hope”

  1. Hi lovely. That sucks, I wish it had been your miracle baby. I don’t think you will ever stop hoping, and if you don’t have another child I’m not sure you’ll ever get over it – just learn to live with it.

    Have you decided if you are going for another IVF Cycle? Are there any alternatives you can consider? Are there even any alternatives? I know you have said before now that sperm donation and adopting is out of the question. It’s such a personal choice, I think I would also feel the same as you. xx

  2. I used to wonder the Same thing too, and still hate that 2ww. The symptom spotting, the raised hopes, the POAS a stick to only ever see 1 line. Feels like a loss every single month! xx

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