Me and Mine – August

For much of the month of August, I’ve felt as though I’ve been caught in a spin cycle, tossing violently from one commitment to another with no time to gather my breath or my thoughts and never really feeling like I’ve finished one thing before hurtling on to the next. And my emotions have been on a separate roller coaster of their very own. It’s been a tough month of not being pregnant, with three babies born to women who had their first around the time I had Thomas, one due (literally) any moment now and two more pregnancies announced. Envy may be an ugly and pointless emotion, but when you are surrounded by people who have achieved what you desperately desire, I think it’s a natural to feel it at least a little bit, and I’ve certainly been guilty of more than a few tears. To add to it, I feel burned out by the effort of keeping my blood sugars tightly controlled enough for pregnancy for so many months and still being no nearer having anything to show for it. It’s like salt in the wound.

What has brought me around amongst all of this is being reminded of the good and of all the ways in which my life is currently blessed. Top of that list is my family unit; My boys. And looking at this photograph, I can’t help but smile and feel my heart smiling too.


It was an unscripted moment, taken (as you can see if you look at the reflection in Ian’s sunglasses) with the front camera on my iPhone on a spontaneous family day out to Port Lympne Wild Animal Park. Having missed ‘Me and Mine’ last month, I’d planned to actually set up a proper shoot this month, and take some pictures expressly for this project. But then I snapped this one in a quick moment in the sunshine, and instantly loved everything about it. Well, perhaps not the double chin. But I love Thomas’s cheeky grin, Ian’s natural face. I love how we are smooshed so closely together, as we so often are when we are sharing books, having tickle fights or simply sharing cuddles before bedtime.

We’re that happy three.

I want Thomas to have a sibling more than anything. But it doesn’t really matter if it takes a lot longer than we would have liked, or perhaps even never happens at all. So long as I have Ian and Thomas.

This photo reminds me of that. Me. And mine. It’s all I really need.

dear beautiful



22 Replies to “Me and Mine – August”

  1. Ahh, this post made me feel a bit teary. I can’t imagine how hard it is to want something that badly and watch others get it while you still wait. I think the key is to focus on your life as a lovely three and know that another baby would be a bonus but that you are happy with what you have too.
    I have my fingers crossed for you lovely. x

  2. In between eight months of trying and two miscarriages, the pregnancy announcements did hurt. People that hadn’t even been ready for number 2 when I started TTC. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, because burying them doesn’t really work xx

    1. I remember reading your miscarriage posts. I’m so glad for you that you got your deserved happy ending with Rory. I know that burying emotions doesn’t work, but I can’t let them take over either. And it varies day to day. One day this week was just an angry day because several people took it upon themselves to suggest that I just needed to use ovulation sticks and track my temperature and then we’d be able to have sex at the right time – as if we really hadn’t thought to try that and ensure that our timing is indeed spot on! I’m sure we’ll get there eventually. And in the meantime I just need to try and maintain a balance between the down times and the up times xx

  3. I just came over to your blog after your lovely comment on mine – thank you!

    Your little family is gorgeous and you are very right to focus on everything you do have rather than what you don’t. I’ve lost a baby before and it was heartbreaking hearing about friends getting pregnant when I should have been announcing our happy news too. Don’t feel bad about being envious I think it’s normal just as long as it doesn’t take over.

    I really hope you get some happy news soon but if it takes a bit longer all you need to do is looking at your boys cheeky little face :)) xx

    1. Thank you very much Katie. Although I’m finding conceiving our second overall much harder than our first, Thomas is the perfect distraction!

  4. Oh my goodness I feel honoured that you have shared this with us. Thank you so much for sharing your gorgeous family with us and I know it must be heartbreaking but what a wonderful son you have made xxx

  5. Your Thomas is a treasure, a gorgeous smiley little boy and I love this photo of the three of you. And as for being a family of four, the not so palatable feelings are really hard and I’ve got all sorts of fingers and toes crossed for the very near future. In the meantime, remember that it’s OK to feel like that, it doesn’t diminish any teeny tiny part of your love for Thomas

    1. I’ve got so many complicated emotions at the moment. The one I’m most trying to let go of is guilt for feeling them. I know that wanting another child doesn’t mean I don’t love and cherish Thomas, no matter what insensitive people may suggest!

  6. cheek to cheek smooches are just lush aren’t they! Cherish your boys – being filled with love and gratitude is a mighty fine vibe for a happy, healthy womb to house your next little one! When you’ve had to face the very real possibility of a childless life you never stop feeling blessed with the miracle you do have – yet that is precisely why it’s natural to have a earning for a sibling for that precious precious child. best wishes x

    1. Thank you Nic. I always expected having children to be very hard for me, if it was possible at all, so I had very few expectations when we tried to conceive Thomas. We were blessed with it being so much easier than I had thought. Trouble is, I expected second time around to be similarly straightforward – after all, I’ve done it before. Just makes the difficulty even harder to deal with, I think. I will, of course, cherish Thomas always though.

  7. What a lovely smooshy piccie… those are the best times. I am sorry you are feeling down about trying. I must admit that when we decided to start trying in earnest, a couple of my best friends did too and they both got pregnant within a month… one was on her second pregnancy. It took us 6 months in the end, for no real reason I don’t think. I was a bit of a mess to be honest each month when it hadn’t happened for us. I like your appreciation of what you have an your pragmatic approach, just stay happy hun x

    1. It’s a bit like motherhood itself, this getting pregnant lark. It’s not a competition, yet we can’t help comparing ourselves to others. And as soon as someone gets pregnant who’s being trying for much less time than us (now approaching a year) I can’t help but feel a bit of a childish “it’s not fair” thought start to form. Each month is different, some seem worse than others, but I have to be optimistic that we will get there!

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