Emotional Update

After yesterday’s post about big babies, I thought a lot about how I’m feeling in general about how this pregnancy is progressing. For the most part, I’m delighted. Yes, I suffered from horrible all day sickness  but other than that I’ve had a straightforward ride (so far and touching wood, crossing fingers etc). I’m so grateful for my thus far complication free pregnancy, yet I still can’t shake some of the fear that I’m simply not doing well enough.

I still, being brutally honest, can’t wait for this to be over.  I’m sure all expectant parents can’t wait to meet their new babies, and I’m no exception. But it’s more than that. I want the fear to be over. I want to know the baby is ok. And I want the intensity and hard work to be over. I know that having a new baby will be intense and hard work, but I’m ready and excited for that challenge. I mean that I want the intense, yet mundane, hard work of constant vigilance over my health and blood sugars to be done. I want to go back to the normal level of hard work instead.

Diabetes is always hard work – constantly balancing food, activity and insulin with a complex set of secondary factors including emotions and the weather, to hopefully achieve as near normal blood sugars as possible and thus lower the risks of the long term complications of this condition. But throwing pregnancy in to the mix has made it impossible to shake off even minor imperfections and mistakes. Ordinarily I’d tell myself that tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow I’ll do better. Ordinarily I’d take the risk of eating foods that are difficult to bolus for, just because it was a special occasion. Ordinarily diabetes fits around my life and not the other way around. Being pregnant, it often feels as though the opposite is true.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s actually probably easier than I thought it might be. I had visions of rotating between the same five or six meals and living to a rigid schedule just to make it easier on myself. I remember eating out at Nandos when I was about seven weeks pregnant and remarking to Ian that I couldn’t believe I was able to be relaxed about it, having spent months planning pregnancy and believing that eating out would be off the menu.

And I also know that it will be more than worth it. I think having to fit my life around my diabetes is a price worth paying for a healthy baby.

The thing is though, I also want to be enjoying my pregnancy like the happy parent-to-be that is inside me. But she’s constantly squashed aside by the overwhelming presence of the diabetes perfectionist and fear monster. I want to be more relaxed, because I think there must be truth that a relaxed mum makes for a healthier, happier baby. But the reality is that may emotions are in a near constant spin cycle. Between the exhiliration and excitement that I’m soon to be a parent, and the energy-sapping fear that I can’t keep my baby safe from my faulty body, I’m exhausted.

The only way out, though, is through. I just hope I make it with my sanity intact.

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