Twenty

Twenty weeks. The official half-way point in the forty weeks of pregnancy.

Part of me thinks “Wow, that’s gone quick”.

Another part thinks “Really? Only halfway?”

I’m very thankful that things are going well so far in this pregnancy. But I can’t lie. I can’t honestly claim to be enjoying it. I’m really desperate to meet this kid inside me, and to know that they’re really OK. I can’t shut off the worry that although I’m doing my best, it may not be good enough.

Although I’ve managed to move past the constant freaking out about every number that is slightly out of range – I’m adept at testing, correcting and moving on – I’m still tired of the constant focus on blood sugars and basal rates and food. These things are part of the management of type 1 diabetes whether pregnant or not, and there is really no escaping them, but the last 20 weeks have been more intense, more rapidly changing and with higher stakes than ever before. When I’m not pregnant, a whole fortnight of poor control will pale in to insignificance against the years of type 1 in my past and future. In this pregnancy, a week of poor control is one fortieth of this baby’s development time frame. There isn’t much time to make up for mistakes, and the stakes just feel so massive.

It’s really not helped by the fact that I know things will only get tougher throughout the remaining weeks, with insulin requirements expected to change ever more rapidly (more on this soon).

At this morning’s routine diabetes antenatal visit, everyone was very upbeat and positive. My blood pressure remains good and my A1c excellent. We listened to the baby’s heart beat thundering along. It’s a sound that makes me smile every time. The midwife and obstetrician have no concerns. I spent time going over my DexCom data and insulin doses with the Diabetes Specialist Nurse (DSN). Although we made some minor tweaks, she has no concerns either – apparently everything looks great and I’m doing well. Even the dietician is happy and feels I’m successfully balancing my desire to restrict carbs in order to maintain better numbers with the need to eat a balanced diet for mine and the baby’s sake.

It’s all good.

But I can’t wait for this to be over, really I can’t.

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